April 4, 2006
Warning on New Sex Position
Hospital emergency wards have been inundated with injuries resulting from a completely new sex position. Despite strong warnings by medical authorities, couples continue to risk compound fractures and permanent disability.
Last night a young couple was rushed to Box Hill Hospital with an assortment of life threatening injuries. The 22 year old man was treated for concussion, lacerations and compound bone fractures. The 19 year old woman remains in critical condition with severe friction burns and spinal injuries, and doctors fear permanent disability.
Hospital staff say they have never seen anything like it before. Hesitant to give details, they were able to reveal that the couple had attempted some pretzel type contortion, with the aid of various unspecified devices and contraptions, for what they believe is a hereto before unknown sexual purpose.
Their friend, Pat Matthews, was staying with the couple at the time and responded to what he described as “a loud whirring sound, followed by a series of pops, screaming, and then a massive ka-boom!”. Mr Matthews says the two university students were very sexually active, but that he had no idea that they “would try anything like that”.
Police believe that the couple had come across an obscure reference to a sexual position known as “la máquina del diablo” and pursued it with rigorous research. The position appears to be a fictional flight of a deviant’s imagination, and investigators say that it was not seriously meant to be transformed into reality. Dr. Erin Baylen of Monash University concluded that the undisclosed texts and diagrams describe “a configuration of machine and body that invariably leads to injury, disfigurement, and very possibly death.”
Despite a ban on the material by law authorities, and the clear risks to health, details and instructions for “la máquina” have started to spread across the Internet. It is feared that other overly-sexed couples will attempt to construct the machine for their own sexual gratification. Hardware retailers, such as Bunnings, Mitre 10 and Magna Mart have been alerted to the situation and have been instructed to report purchases of certain large construction components and electrical equipment by “suspicious” persons to the federal police.
But hospitals in Sydney are already reporting an influx of naked patients with similar injuries. Patients are either unconscious, in shock and completely incoherent, or laughing hysterically. Fortunately, there have been no fatalities so far.
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