Jan. 4, 2006

A non-comprehensive collection of hints, tips and soapbox advice for those lonely hearts out there who are looking for that someone special.

In this article, Dr John offers some helpful suggestions on how to prepare yourself before you step out into the big world looking for love and companionship.

Get Ready for Love!

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The search for love can be a long, unpredictable, and horrendously twisted journey filled with many perils and psychopaths. But it is a pursuit that our very souls and loins can not resist. At the end is the promise of that one* person amongst millions who is your perfect match, your soul mate, who will transform your world, your entire life, into a glorious one. Some of you will want to have babies and raise a family, others will just want to do all that fun stuff in the bedroom that looks really silly if you try it on your own.

Whatever the reason, there is an irresistible pull, an animal instinct, to find that mate (mate as in partner or lover, not Aussie slang for a buddy that you go to the footy with). Ah, but how to do it? In this article I will focus on how to prepare to love and be loved. It is possible to learn how to do this during the course of a relationship, and sometimes it is only the turbulence of a relationship that can shake you into that space of comprehension. But, depending on the degree of change, the relationship might not survive the process. If you are currently single, then there is no better time to start. The isolation (and I don't mean “isolation” in a way that will make you feel terribly lonely and start to cry) will buffer you from others and give you the room you need to work on yourself.

Preparing for Love

There are a few things you must do before you begin your search for love. Many people don't realise this and charge ahead only to fail and not know why. It is vital that your Love Machine – which is made up of the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual – are in good working order. It's a bit like servicing your car. You want to make sure all the important parts are well maintained and lubricated. If not, you'll end up with an overheated, worn out bomb that goes nowhere and nobody wants.

On Looks

Get your body into shape as best you can. At least get it healthy. No one likes a big fat slob (unless perhaps if they are also a big fat slob). This is a hard, rude fact. Why? An unfit body tells your potential prey that you can't be bothered taking care of yourself and this will also probably mean that you won't put much effort into any relationship either.

If you are not exactly good looking, or if you're not even close, then make the most of what you do have. Don't let your physical appearance hold you back. Even in this world of mass media drenched with digitally enhanced models, you'd be surprised how far a bit of confidence and a good personality will take you. Be yourself and be proud of it. Beauty comes in many forms. Not everyone can see it, but that's their problem not yours.

If you are absolutely beautiful then enjoy it while you've got it. But remember that at the end of the day, sex is about two bodies touching and love is about two souls meeting. Just like everyone else, you'll need to work on your personality and character to make your relationship work.

Baggage

Aaargh!! Get rid of it! Future partners hate nothing more than someone else's baggage from past relationships, especially if you go on and on about it. If you've just gotten out of a relationship and are feeling hurt or angry, don't jump into another one straight away. Some people will advise you to get drunk, go out and pick up. I advise you not to force yourself to do this. Burn that bridge when you're ready. Take a break and use the time to reflect on things. And make a clean break. Don't play yo-yo with your ex, as this will only make things worse and reduce the chance of having them as a friend in the future. Think about the bad and the good. Think about your actions and that of your ex. Be open and honest with yourself. Try to understand what went wrong and take responsibility for your actions, especially the ones you're not proud of. Apologise only if you're ready and mean it. Don't apologise if it will damage your self esteem. Try to forgive the other person. There is a quote by Paul Boese that I especially like on this point, “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future”. Learn and grow from the experience, and take what was good with you.

Choose Love

Choose to open your doors so that love can walk in when it's looking for you. Don't be needy or desperate for love (I know this can be a hard one not to do for some). Neediness and desperation will have you throwing yourself at people and situations that aren't really right for you. Be strong, be happy with your life and with yourself as you are. Love will find you. Learn to love yourself. On making yourself available for love, also remember this: so long as you are with the wrong person, you are not with the right person. Cheesy yes, but I just like the sound of it.

Know What You Want

This is a tricky one, but an important point. To find love and to hold onto it, you need to know what it is that you want or your confidence will waver or you'll look in all sorts of directions without any idea of which way to go.

If you're young and new to love, it's likely that you just don't have the experience to know what it is that you want yet. This is okay and natural. You'll just have to dive in blind and give it a go. Your advantage here is that you are beginning with a fresh passionate heart. The trick is to get through the pain (and yes, there will be some) and come through at the other end without too much bitterness or anger. A common complaint amongst males I have spoken to is that many of the older single women out there are very bitter from being hurt by men. I don't know what the women say about us men, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's universal. Don't be afraid of pain, but don't put up with it if you don't have to. Stand up for yourself where necessary.

Once you've had a bit of experience you'll start to learn what does and doesn't work for you. Draw up a list of your needs and wants in a relationship. Needs are things that you absolutely without a doubt must have in your relationship. This might include things like honesty and trust. Don't forget to put love in at the top. Wants are things that you'd like to have but aren't critical. You might list a common interest in frogs in this section for example.

If you just want sex, well then that's okay too. But I don't believe you should deceive anyone into thinking you want a serious relationship when all you want is sex. First of all, it can be very hurtful to the other person and will very likely get you into trouble sooner or later. Secondly, it isn't really necessary. The good news is that there are lots of people out there who just want sex too! Go find them and have lots of consensual fun.

Have a Sense of Humour

How many people say they are looking for someone with a “good sense of humour”? I'm only really starting to understand how massively important this one is (yeah, okay, I'm a bit slow – go ahead and laugh…). But if you think about the good times and the bad, humour is the main spice of the good. It flavours your words, yours actions, creates the excitement and fun of the unexpected, and breaks up the tension in all sorts of situations. In a serious relationship, it's best not to get too serious and dry.

Conclusion

Prepare yourself for the task ahead. Love is not something that should be entered into lightly. Go in blindly and you might have your heart torn to shreds. Fortune favours the prepared. So take care of your body. Eat well, exercise, and rest. Don't let the little things trouble you. Be in touch with your emotions. Listen to your gut instinct. It understands more than you will ever know. Be positive and have a good sense of humour. Be willing to learn and look at things differently. Listen and emphasise. Get over your love of shiny small objects. Make a place for yourself in the universe, be it with or without a god. Develop and expand your mind. Do all of this, appreciate but let go of the past, and move forward.

This is not a comprehensive list of what to. These are just some of the things that stand out most in my mind from my experiences. And my advice is certainly not the only way of going about it. But right here, right now, it makes sense to me and hopefully it does to you. Good luck out there. Love and be loved.

* From the vantage point of my little hill in my small western world, the concept of a single partner in a serious relationship is the dominant one. And so I'll base this article on that premise.

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